


That one time plans went awry

by ElleLL



Series: That one time [4]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, M/M, Misunderstandings, More angst, Swearing (mainly in the first chapter), but more hurt, hurt with a bit of comfort, rated for language (better be cautious)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-30
Updated: 2018-01-11
Packaged: 2019-02-08 22:48:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12874695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElleLL/pseuds/ElleLL
Summary: When the unexpected happens and you feel like crumbling, sometimes you only want to be left alone.But sometimes people don't give you what you want. And sometimes, what you want and what you need are very different.Collection (kind of)





	1. That one time Yuzuru wished he could find better words

**Author's Note:**

> No native English speaker here. Any misspell from fictional Yuzuru is part of my headcanon about how he talks in English. Any mistake in the rest of the work is entirely my own.
> 
> This is a work of FICTION, just a scrap from my own mental theatre inspired by real life people and events but with NO claim to be real.
> 
> Written to cope with NHK trauma. Yes, it was ages ago. I'm very slow.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes you wish you had the right words. But wishing isn't enough.

 

_After Cup of China Men FS. The competition has ended. Javier's ambitions for GPF have ended too. Yuzuru tries to reach out. But words fail him._

 

"You ok?"

It’s the first thing Yuzuru says, words rushed in his worry for Javier. Yuzuru has woken up early in the morning to watch the men's free skate. To watch Boyang, Kolyada and the others, to watch _Javi_. He has watched Javi skate badly and slip so far off podium that for him the final in Nagoya may as well be written off now.

 _'Not yet.’_ , Yuzuru tells himself. He wants to tell Javi that it's not over _yet_. Mathematics is against the Spaniard, but anything can happen. That’s what skating is. That’s what skaters learn, what they are _forced_ to learn, all of them living through their own share of unexpected joys and bitter setbacks.

That’s what Yuzuru has learned after years and years of the most blinding ups and the toughest downs.

"I’m not OK, Yuzu."

Yuzuru’s breath catches in his throat. The defeat dripping form Javi’s voice... it hurts, and Yuzu is at a loss. Which words, which feelings can reach Javier right now? He grits his teeth as he racks his brain, frustrated at his own inability to overcome the barrier between the two of them right when he needs it the most. He wants to reach out and hug Javi, but the other man is thousands and thousands of miles away and he can’t even see him and... and English words get all muddled and pile in a shaky mess in his brain when Yuzuru tries to think about all he needs Javi to hear, but he isn't able to tell him, because he just _lacks the words_.

"I’m sorry."

Javier makes a rasping sound. A half-hearted laugh, maybe. Or a choked sob. "You saw that, right? Of course. You had to see that." the Spaniard murmurs bitterly.

Yuzuru wants to tell him he doesn’t have to feel any shame, it was just a bad skate, it happens. It’s happened to Yuzu too, in Montreal, Javi knows that. So he knows he will move on.

Yet this skate will have worse consequences than a hurt pride. This is the Grand Prix before the Olympics, so it matters. Getting to the Final matters.

If he were Javi, he would feel awful.

But he can't stand Javi to feel awful.

"It wasn’t so bad, Javi".

Javier snorts, his next words sour: "You’re lying. But _thank you_ for pitying me, really. That's really what I need... _Mierda_ " He sighed. "Look, Yuzu, this... this isn’t making me feel... It sucks, that you say this bullshit--"

"NO, Javi! No pity! I want... I only say--" Yuzuru searches for words but all that comes to his mind feels wrong, not enough, or too much.

He's always loathed the pretty, empty words people try to sell him when they pity him. Even if he knows they try and say those things _for him_ , because they want to make him feel a bit better, because they _care_ for him, he still hates when people try to make a failure look different from what it is.

_Failure is failure._

And _yes_ , he feels Javi’s disappointment and he can’t really tell him not to feel like that, and he’s worried about him, and even a bit annoyed because why the _fuck_ hasn't he been more careful with what he ate, dammit? _Javier should know better_ and... 

Yuzuru shouldn’t pester Javier with his own worry now, with his disappointment and his empty words.

" _Habi_ , this not so very bad--" he winces. This feels so fake and condescending.

Javi makes another hollow laugh. "I've messed it. I... I'm feeling like shit."

"But. You sick. Stomach sick still?" Yuzu rushes to ask.

"It... aches. It... I don’t want to talk about that. I just... let’s drop this. Please."

"But. _Habi_. Don’t be sad."

"I’m not fucking _sad_. I’m--" the Spaniard sighs, breathing hard in the phone.

"This happens because of stomach. If not pain in stomach... But why you eat strange food? So silly!" the Japanese skater bites his tongue one moment too late, "I’m sorry--"

"I fucking know that, OK?" Javier bursts out in anger. "No need to point out that, ok? I fucking _know_ , I know I've messed up and this _fucking_ thing still hurts and _thank you_ for making me feel worse!"

"I’m sorry, Javi, really, didn’t want... I don't mean like this--"

"You always have to be like this, right? Telling _everything_ that’s on your head. Telling the truth. Even like _this_. _Now_. When it _hurts_."

"I... I’m sorry, Javi, don’t want... never want... _Habi_. Please. This not most bad thing. I know you more stronger. You can still--"

"I can still WHAT? I’m OUT. I FUCKED UP, just like I’ve fucked up last year final. Like Worlds. And EVERYONE knows and they say it behind my back and they all think I've so FUCKED UP, they all  know I've buried myself, I've just buried myself, and they still expect me to smile--"

"No, Javi, don’t care about--"

"Even _you_." Javier accuses him.

Yuzu gasps "No. Not true. I don’t want... No, Javi, I only want--"

"Why the fuck did you call me? To rub in my face I fucked my season already because I’m a _m_ _aldito imbécil_?"

"NO!"

"You ask me if I am OK, but you only want me to tell you it’s OK, that I’ll get through this, but it isn't OK Yuzu. It _isn't_." Javier takes a trembling breath. "I'm not OK." To Yuzu’s horror, his voice breaks. "And I won’t smile. I _can’t_. I can't smile now."

"Javi--"

"Just... leave me alone."

The tears in Javi's voice. Yuzuru doubles in pain, as if someone has just punched him. Javi, Javi's tears have punched him and it's a new kind of pain. He sniffs.

"Javi... don’t cry. Please. Please" and he starts crying amid his plea, too, because it _breaks_ him that Javi, that never _ever_ cries, is crying now. Yuzuru thinks about how much pain Javi is feeling there in China, all alone, not even Brian with him to give him a bit of that quiet, strong Brian-wisdom, while Yuzuru is in Toronto, powerless to reach out and hug him, touch him, or even find some fucking _words_ to make Javi feel at least a little better. Javi always finds the words. Kind, caring Javi. Yuzuru hates himself for being unable to be like him, and he hates himself because even in that moment he is thinking of _himself_ , of how sad _he_ feels, how hearing Javi cry makes _him_ want to cry, how he wants Javi to smile only so _he_ can feel better.

Selfish, egocentric jerk.

" _Habi_ "

"I’m sorry. I can’t... do this now. Sorry. I... I’ll call you. Later."

" _Habi_ \--" the line falls down. Yuzuru stares at his now silent phone, eyes glassed. He curses himself. Over and over.

 _Useless selfish man_. He loves Javi so much, but his love is so flawed and selfish, he is undeserving... _He_ , _he_ , _he_. It’s always about _himself_.

 _‘There has to be something I can do for Javier._ ’, he tells himself. He can’t let things just be, he needs to _do_ something, always _do something_. So, there _must_ be something he can get right. To make Javi feel a little better. To make him smile a tiny bit, or even to make him annoyed. To make him angry.

Anger is better than feeling broken, Yuzu knows this first-hand. Anger burns hot and painful but it makes you _fight_. Sadness resembles too much hopelessness, so much it can morph into that without you even knowing. And if you let your heart drown in hopelessness, it doesn’t matter what your mind says, what people around you say. You can’t fight back if you don’t believe you _can_.

Yuzuru knows how gutted Javi can feel after bad skates, how easily he can believe he's no good and his ambition to compete for the top is foolish. Better for Javier to be _angry_ with Yuzuru for pissing him off than chewing over his own showing and what people are saying about that. Yuzu can’t protect Javier from all the nastiness, and he doesn't wish to, because Javi _is_ strong enough to overcome this, if he only could believe in himself.

But Yuzuru can _force_ Javi not to be sad.

 _That_ , he can do.

Of course at the beginning it's only an impulse. Giving up words and let emotions speak. 

m(_ _)m    

         _I'm sorry_

The first time he had sent that emoticon to him, Javi had asked him the meaning. After Yuzuru's explanation, he had said with a grin: ' _This is_ so _like you!'_

⊂(´• ω •`⊂) 

         _Hug you_  

That one always made Javi coo about how cute it was. 

(｡•́︿•̀｡)         

 _I'm really sorry_   

(>_<)

 _I know it feels bad_  

~(>_<~)        

         _and you are in pain_  

(T_T)      

         _you feel sad_  

(＃`Д´)

 _and angry_  

(＞﹏＜)         

         _and disappointed_  

( ˙꒳˙ )

_but it will get better_

 (ｏ・_・)ノ”(ノ_<、)         

         _I'm here for you, if you want_

 (´• ω •`) ♡         

         _and I love you_

 (´ ω `♡)         

         _truly_

 ( ´ ▽ ` ).｡ｏ♡

_so much_

 ⊂( ´ ▽ ` )⊃         

         _hug you more_

 

Yuzuru sends many, many more kaomoji later. Some are silly, some are adorable, some are just funny and he hopes they can get a small chuckle from his training mate, or fill his face with that special soft, fond light the Spaniard has whenever he fakes exasperation at Yuzu's antics.

Right now, Javier probably hates that Yuzu is being so fickle, so careless of his feelings.

But Yuzuru doesn’t care if Javi hates him for being annoying and insensitive, for trying to joke when Javi would rather need some wise, encouraging words. Sometimes people tell Yuzu that he speaks wisely and his words give strength to people, but Yuzuru doesn’t really know how to be wise and encouraging. He only knows how to fight and climb up after each slump, and play jokes until a fake laugh becomes real. Smile hard until it isn’t so hard anymore.

So he keeps sending Javi those silly, silly emoticons, whenever he feels like that, to let Javi know he thinks about him, and he feels regretful for his words, and he wants to apologize for his selfishness and _he believes in Javier_. He really does.

And that Javi doesn’t have to smile, but Yuzu will try to make him smile all the same. Every single time. 

 

 

In the end Javier never calls back, nor answers Yuzu’s texts, while Yuzuru’s kaomoji keep piling and piling. He wonders if Javi is reading them. Maybe he has just blocked his contact, too annoyed even to look at anything Yuzuru sends.

He learns from Brian that Javi isn’t going back to Toronto that week. He will go to Spain, and stay there till his next GP assignment, in France. Tracy will join him soon.

So Yuzu won’t even _see_ Javier before leaving for Osaka. Probably not until after the French event.

Two more weeks. Without closeness, without shared gazes, without hugs. Without the chance to talk to him in the only way that has always worked between them.

Brian asks Yuzuru if he is all right when he sees his blank stare. Yuzuru shrugs and grins. Brian pats his shoulder.

"Don’t think about that now. You have your own competition. I can’t be with you but you can trust Ghislain, so everything will be all right. Just trust your training."

"I know" he nods. He is reassured he can have Ghislain Briand with him in Osaka, his jumps are what he needs to get straight in NHK and Ghislain has already helped him many, many times. "I train hard, yes?"

"Yes, you train hard and you train well. It’s going to be all right."

"Yes."

Everything will be all right.

 

  

The night before leaving for Japan he sends the last kaomoji to Javier.

 (๑•̀ㅂ•́)و✧

 _Ganbatte_ he mouths, hoping Javi will understand. He has used that kaomoji before, but maybe... maybe he should have gone for western emoticons. Javi can understand those for sure.

But they wouldn't have the same meaning.

They wouldn't be _Yuzu_.

And he is overthinking a stupid emoticon! But, in his mind, in his heart, it’s more than a bunch of characters on a screen. There are his _feelings_ there, the words that wouldn't come to him, to his lips, so he gives them another shape.

He knows he won’t get any answer. They have never texted or called each other before and during competitions. Yuzu has always preferred it this way, so he can focus on what he has to do. Calling Javi after that free skate in China has been a mistake. He should have waited for Javier to call first, when he felt ready, if he wanted to talk to him at all, but Yuzuru had felt a weight on his chest, and he hadn't had much experience with how you cheer up your boyfriend when your boyfriend is hurting physically and emotionally and he's all alone on the other side of the world...  
Selfishly, Yuzuru wanted to talk to Javi, but he has only made him break down.

Yuzuru sighs. He needs to focus on NHK. He needs to shut everything, _everyone_ out.

He works this way, he is _weak_ so he needs his little bubble. But he needs to say one last thing first.

Finally, he uses words. Words he knows, words he believes in. He texts:

_"Javi is strong."_

Then he places his phone back on the nightstand and he goes to sleep.

That night he dreams of quadruple Lutz and gold medals, of Japan, home and Javi smiling.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The corner of Spanish swearing  
>  (I'm not a native Spanish speaker, correct me if I've got this wrong >_<)  
>  _mierda_ = shit  
>  _maldito imbécil_ = damn idiot (maybe a tad harsher)  
>  I don’t know if Javi’s reported “stomach upset” was due to some food or drink he had or some other illness, let’s just pretend it was some food poisoning.
> 
> The corner of useless rambling  
>  About Yuzu’s struggles and Javi’s reaction: in my mind, Javi is the more "giving" one in their relationship (affection, care, patient, support), not because Yuzu isn’t capable of those things but because I think he expresses his support in different way, being less soft and more unyielding, trying to kindle in the others the will to overcome. So here Yuzuru is in a situation where he feels off-balance, being the one who has to give support to someone whose mindset is quite different from his own, therefore what usually Yuzu uses to motivate himself might not work for Javi. Add his chronic struggle to fully convey his (sometimes conflicting and always intricate) thoughts in English and his attempt at being “comforting like Javi” fails. He feels lacking towards Javi and we know it doesn’t sit well with him to just surrender. So he tries another way. He tries to speak without those English words that elude him.  
>  Emoticons aren’t only cute, they can be very relevant in non-verbal communication. They can completely change the meaning of a message, convey what would usually go through tone of voice, facial expression and gestures. They add nuances and depth and they tell something about the feelings of the person who sent it (or what the people who sent it hope you’ll feel when reading their message). Yuzuru uses non-verbal communication all the time, imho kaomojis could be his way to convey all his feelings when he texts, too.  
>  Please let me know if the format made the meaning of the kaomoji confusing, I was confused myself while I was formatting that part ^^
> 
> The embarrassed disclaimer corner  
>  My mind works as a sponge and it tends to assimilate what I read and to give it back months after, so it’s happened that I went back reading some other fanfictions here on AO3 and I find out some sentences/situations I wrote echo what I had read in those works. If you feel something like that happens in this work, too, please tell me and if needed I’ll properly credit for inspiration.  
>  Thank you!
> 
> The shout-out corner  
>  To the awesome person from Planet Hanyu forum who was willing to assist me RE: the _ganbatte_ kaomoji (I was lost in a sea of cute thingies and I am very bad with choices): thank you, that kaomoji is so outrageously cute and it really makes me think about cheering!Yuzu.  
>  A general shout out to all the awesome satellites on PH forum that helped me survive the (cursed) GP series.  
>  The 24 h between the first news of Yuzu's NHK injury and his WD were quite tough. And the first 24 h after it were tough too. I felt so bummed, but sharing those moments with a supporting and caring community was really helpful, so thank you all (and please forgive me for giving you this angst thing).


	2. That one time Javi prayed his phone wouldn’t ring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Javi is in Spain. Thousands of miles from where he'd want to be. But still, he has words he needs to say, words Yuzuru needs to hear. He's always found the right words. All he wishes is for Yuzuru to hear him out.

 

_10 th November 2017.  Javier is back to Spain, safe and recovered, surrounded by his family and friends, and he feels a bit less dejected about his debacle in China. He came to Madrid feeling angry with Yuzuru for his total lack of timing and those texts of his that felt so much like a jibe. But now he isn't angry with Yuzuru anymore. _

_Yuzuru, who had to catch an easy gold that week in his home country and a ticket to the Grand Prix final. Maybe set a new world record, too, right on track to go and claim a 5th GPF gold as a birthday present, as every other year.  
Or at least that's what was supposed to happen, before the world suddenly stopped making any sense. _

_In Osaka, Japan, the 4th event of GP is starting, and still no one knows if they'll see Yuzuru skate._

 

It’s early in the morning in his part of the world. Way too early for receiving a call, and too damn early for being already half awake, after tossing and turning all night and checking twitter restlessly.

Javier expects a call, and at the same time he dreads it. He is dying for a call, if he’s honest, because he is worried as fuck and wants to hear _him_ , and to talk to him. _He just wants to be there for_ _him_ _._  
But he also knows Yuzuru wouldn’t call during a competition. No matter what, he just wouldn’t.

So, when his phone rings on his nightstand, making his heart jump in his throat, Javi hesitates for a moment. He wants to know, but maybe... maybe he isn’t ready.

_‘Don’t be stupid. Just answer the damn phone!’_

He takes the phone and stares at the name of the caller, the letters a bit blurry to his unfocused gaze. They are too bright against the darkness of his room, and so _out of place_.

_That person shouldn’t be calling._

It feels _wrong_.

“Yes?”

…

_“Habi”_

 …

His chest constricts.

Javi knows. He’s known the moment he’s read the name. He’s known the moment he has heard that ringtone, that weird Japanese song talking about some black cat dancing tango or so. They were laughing so much when they watched that fan video, he and Yuzu. And later, Yuzu had laughed even more, all honking sounds and crinkled eyes, when he put that damned song on Javier’s phone as the ringtone for his contact. _“So Javi knows I call”_.

But this time there is no laugh, no light-hearted feeling. Only a cold, cold hollowness.

He hears a heavy, broken breathing from the other end of the line.

…

“I withdrew.”

…

Javi closes his eyes.

…

 “ _Habi_ … you have to fight”.

 Javi grips his phone tighter.

 “You have to fight. In France. _You have to fight_ ”.

Blood rushes in his veins, noisy, boiling. Everything comes back to him: last season, missing podium at GPF and Worlds. This season’s ACI FS riddled with mistakes. COC. That heavy feeling of _shame_ , burning down his throat, still making Javier feel sick to his stomach even after recovering from that damned food poisoning. Brian’s reassuring words. Yuzu’s texts full of those strange Japanese emoticons to try and make him smile despite everything. The simple ‘ _Javi is strong’_ of Yuzuru's last text. Javier hadn’t wanted to listen to Yuzu, not in that moment, not when he felt so wretched and dejected… while Yuzu was still stubbornly set on proving that it was possible to jump lots of quads without making compromises with the quality of the skating, because he _could_ do that, while the rest of them were left racing and stumbling after him. Javier had even felt bitter, because all that quad mania was Yuzu’s fault too… and, in that moment, Javi had _resented_ him.

Only a few days before, Javier had grimaced reading those words.

He had felt so tired. So exhausted.

He was feeling so exhausted talking to Tracy, too, smiling to reassure her but not really believing her words either.

He’s felt exhausted till the day before, when he has first heard, then _seen_.

The fall. A bad fall. One that could change everything.

“Promise me”, Yuzuru demands.

“I’ll try.”

“No try! You _fight_! Because you can still fight, so you fight!”

Voice like a lash, skinning Javi inside. Steely.

And broken.

_Because you can still fight, so you fight._

“You _promise_ me, _Habi_!”

_You can still fight._

Yes, he _can_.

He WILL.

“I promise.”

A rasping breath on the other end.

“Thank you, _Habi-”_

“Wait, no, DON’T HUNG UP!” Javier waits for a heartbeat. Two. “Don’t close the call, Yuzu, please.”

…

For the longest moments he only hears the laboured breathing. He knows Yuzu wants to cry, and that he doesn’t want to cry while Javi can hear him.

His Japanese teammate still has this reserve, sometimes, even if Javi has seen him cry, he has seen him weak and beaten and...

Javier just wishes it won’t ever change, this pure side of Yuzuru that always lays everything out in the open for the world to see. Yuzu thinks that he needs to become stronger and shield those around him from the storms raging inside him. He thinks this is what he’s supposed to do, now he is a grown man, and it’s what he wants, too, so he can protect people from sharing his worst, the sadness and the bitterness and all that can hurt them.

But Javier thinks he’s so very brave, Yuzuru, always sharing himself like that. That requires strength too. Maybe more strength than hiding your true self so no one can judge you.

And Javier doesn’t need Yuzuru’s protection. He doesn’t want it. He only wants to be there to give him what he needs. He prays Yuzu can trust him again, with everything he has, even his pain. So he stays there, his whole being taut, waiting and grasping at the smallest sound form the other end of the line.

When Yuzu finally speaks again, his voice sounds a bit steadier, as if he’s managed to control himself. Even if barely.

“Sorry. I… very jerk. Make Javi worry. I’m sorry. And… sorry. Must be bad hour there. Late. Or early. I’m sorry. I forget time. I’m sorry I bother-”

“It’s all right. Don’t worry about me.”

“I’m sorry”, Yuzuru repeats. It feels to Javi as if Yuzu has repeated those words so many times he doesn’t know other words anymore. “I so selfish, this my fault too. Everything my fault… make everyone worry always. Disappoint everyone. I’m sorry-”

Yuzuru. Alone in his hotel room, there in Japan, lips, eyes and nose red from crying, pressing a hand against his mouth to muffle the sobs. Not to cry again.

Failing.

“ _Querido_ , it’s OK. I know it’s hard. I know it. It’s so hard, right? So damn hard.”

Javier hears the sobs now, the choking, the breaths that become shallow as everything erupts again. It breaks Javi that he is on the other side of the world, so _powerless_.

It hits him, and it hits him hard, that this is how Yuzu must have felt when he called Javi back in China. This is why he wanted to talk to him, so he could help, so he could make things better. Yuzuru tried to do his best. He just tried to do his best, and true, he ended making things worse for Javier, in that moment, but Yuzu _tried his best_ and Javier _shut him out_.

Javier knows how it feels being shut out. He knows it, because he’s been shut out for so many months after Boston, and it had felt awful, it had felt like a betrayal.

“I’m sorry” Yuzuru stutters among the sobs, “I’m sorry-”

“It’s OK-”

 “-I’m sorry. Don’t… I… This so-”

“Hush. Hush. Yuzu-”

“-so wrong, shouldn’t call… I’m sorry-”

“Yuzu. _Yusuru, querido_ , breath. OK? Just breath with me, all right?- Javi urges, worried about all the wheezing. “For a little while, OK? Just breath in, slowly. Breath out. Slow. Just slow down a little bit. OK?” And Javier breaths too, because the weight on his chest has gotten heavier and his insides are clenching in dread. “That’s right. Slow a little bit. That’s good.”

 _‘Please, not Yuzuru.’,_ he prays. ‘ _Not something serious. Please. Please. Not now. Not to him.’_

Not with so little time before the Olympics.

It would be TOO.DAMN.CRUEL.

Yuzuru is sobbing quietly now. Javier can almost see him, wiping away his tears as new tears immediately take their place, rolling down his smooth cheeks, dripping till his lips and lower, coiling under his chin. All those salty, tired tears Yuzu keeps brushing away and he will keep brushing away till they’ll finally dry on his eyelashes. Till his heart will get a bit of reprieve.

“Do you know” _please_ “do you know how bad…” _please NO._ “how bad is it?”

_Please._

_God, PLEASE._

_Not to him._

“Don’t know.” Yuzuru takes a trembling breath. “Not very bad. No broken. Not... not torn, maybe. I hope. Because is ankle, you know.”

“I thought so.”

“It’s right ankle, so… hope ligament OK. Not torn, I hope. But… but… can’t know still. Can’t know… how long-” Yuzu sniffs. “Sorry for making worry-”

Javier’s chest rises in relief while his heart breaks again for Yuzuru. How many times can a heart break in a single day, he wonders. In a single minute.

“Doctor think maybe only rest for couple weeks. Not really bad. But… can’t skate now. Get worse if I skate and it can’t get worse. It _can’t_. I can’t make worse. Right?”

“That’s right. You have to think to the bigger picture.”

To the Olympics.

“Brian says same thing. Ghislain too. Okaa-san and Kikuchi-san. Everyone say, doctors say. And I know… I _know_ it will be hard already… like this… because can’t train now, and everything I do before, now I lose, and then to jump-”

“It’s your right foot. You have to take care.”

“I KNOW. I know that! BUT-” Yuzuru sniffs, wipes his tears, sniffs again. “I _know_. But I’m so _angry_ , Javi. WHY THIS? WHY?”

“Yuzu-”

“I hate… I _hate_ that I ruined everything. I am… just so ANGRY. _Kuso_ , I’m _so_ angry-”

“Then be angry. Scream. Promise me, Yuzu: don’t hold everything inside. Be angry and scream. Be sad. Cry. Curse. Whatever. Punch the wall if you have to. Wait, no, you can’t punch the wall, you shouldn’t hurt yourself! But you can punch the mattress.” Yuzu makes a choked laugh. “Or the pillow. That’s better. You can punch the pillow-”

“Hey! I don’t do that!”

“Well, maybe you could try. Better than punching keys on your console so hard you knock it out.”

Yuzu lets out an indignant yelp. “That was… that was accident!”

“Yeah, sure. It’s happened many times but-”

“Not true! Only two!”

“Still, that’s two times too many.”

“ _Baka_.”

“Look”, Javi listens as Yuzu’s chortle dies in a deep breath. “You just… Just promise me this, _querido_ : you let it all out. All right? You let it all out.”

“I know.”

“PROMISE ME”, he urges.

Yuzuru swallows. “OK”, he whispers.

“Good. You let it all out and then you move on. You fight again-”

“OK”. A sniff.

“Because I know you can fight. You know that too. You’re a fighter. You will fight. And you will win. That’s what you do.”

“Yes”. Yuzuru wants… no, he _needs_ to believe it, because the next weeks will be a mental battle as much as a physical challenge.

“You will fight. Trust me if you don’t trust yourself right now. I believe in you. And I believe you when you say that I’m strong, too. I’ll fight too. In France, I’ll _fight_. And you’re so much stronger than me, so you’ll fight and you’ll WIN.”

“ _Habi_ ”

“Yes”

“Thank you.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fluff corner  
>  Here’s the fan video “talking about some black cat dancing tango or so”, a compilation of cute and funny Yuzuru set to **Kuroneko no Tango** ("Black Cat Tango"): [Yuzuru Hanyu羽生結弦【MAD】超可爱的结弦喵~/ Yuzu Cat / 結弦ネコ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QA_9mvSgU3U)  
>  Actually, this Japanese song derives from an Italian song, **Volevo un gatto nero** ("I wanted a black cat", (sung by a child for a music contest for children called Zecchino d’Oro) but the lyrics are very different. To get an idea of how different just look at this: [Zecchino d'Oro - Volevo un gatto nero](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_aVNv_gNdM) (there is also an english translations of the italian lyrics among the comments)  
>  And I’ve just discovered the italian child who first sung it was from a village a mere 20 miles from my hometown LOL. The unexpected knowledges you get from becaming a fan of Yuzuru XD 
> 
> The corner of useless rambling  
>  I've made up the “punching the keys till they break”. Afaik Yuzu hasn’t ever mistreated any of his consoles.  
>  To see angry Yuzu is a rare sight and most of the time he's just mad at himself. I think the worst we've seen is him letting out a kuso and punching a board and I really hope he has some healthy way to let out all the pressure that boils inside him. I can see him running to the shore and screaming at the top of his lungs like in Jpn anime, or punching something (hopefully not a wall ^_^;) and maybe playing games with vengeance.  
>  TBH I can also see him wanting to hurt himself, because it's mainly himself the one he's angry with when he fails.  
>  I can only imagine the amount of frustration someone like Yuzuru feels whenever he has some setback. It would choke anyone and it would have choked him long ago if he weren't able to somehow turn it into a positive force… but I think there should be an emotional scream, first, a “f**k you, world!”, and Yuzuru himself said that he admits hardship. So, even if he knows he has to put things like injuries and defeats into perspective, he needs to allow himself to feel miserable and angry as hell, at least for a moment. Then it comes acceptance and the chance to move on. 
> 
> The inspiration corner  
>  I think I’ve read [lady_valkyria](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lady_valkyria/pseuds/lady_valkyria) too much (not saying it’s a bad thing ^^) and I think here you can see the influence of some themes and atmosphere from works like That one time in Helsinki and the ongoing This red on my lips. 
> 
> The thank you corner  
>  Thank you for reading!  
>  The next episodes will be way less angst&hurt and way more comfort&fluff. Of course they might come… with fashionable delay. (⌒_⌒;)


End file.
